Things I want to say to students, part one

It is that time of the semester, to be sure, and I know I'm not the only one about to burst. So....my list:

1. "Ummm...my grandmother, like, died, so...it's OK if I don't teach the last two weeks of class, right? I'll be here for the final, though." (I'll say this every semester once the stack of grading just looks a little too high, or I just want to blow off teaching for a little.)

2. "I only took this job until I can transfer to another university with better students."

3. "You're right. You did pay tuition. I forgot. I thought I was spending all that time spilling comments on your F and D papers as pro bono work."

4. "I don't have your papers graded and I won't prepare my next two lectures because I have this thing in Cabo. It's really important, though."

5. "Ummm...I really need to get a good eval from this course, so just tell me what I need to do."

6. "I know I've beeen slacking a bit lately and my lectures haven't been the best, but teaching this class is really important to me. So, will you guys write letters of recommendation to my department chair for me?"

7. "Pardon me. Would you please repeat the question? I wasn't paying attention."

8. "This course is just a requirement for me to teach. Courses that I teach in my specialty are so much better."

9. "You're right. I never said that the papers had to be in correct English and this isn't an English class. Too frickin' bad!"

10. "Would you mind looking at this exam before I give it to you next week just to make sure it's what you're looking for?"